Can Trauma Work be Done with Couples?

What does trauma work look like in couples therapy?

Trauma work with couples can look like a way to conceptualize and approach conflicts, focusing on one individual with the partner present, or even occasional solo sessions with one partner centered around the couples goals for therapy. While a referral to an individual trauma therapist is sometimes necessary, even trauma reprocessing can benefit from involving our partners. I have found with brainspotting, having a partner in the room allows clients to either better regulate or experience an emotion more fully which enhances the deep healing work of reprocessing. Imagine a steady hand from your partner giving you the courage to sit with difficult emotions or their presence allowing you to call up the same pain you might have during an argument.  While a trauma-informed couples therapist may be able to assist with understanding concepts like emotional regulation and attachment styles, a trauma-trained or trauma-focused couples therapist can help you take couples therapy to the next level. 

How might we benefit as a couple?

Typically, our partners can both cause us the greatest emotional distress and also can provide us the most emotional comfort. As a result, involving our partners in trauma work can provide many opportunities in therapy. Therapy styles that focus on trauma, like Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, are based on the idea that better understanding our partners wounds increases empathy and improves the flexibility needed to compromise and accept. Let’s say a couple comes into therapy and partner one is complaining they feel watched like a hawk and constantly criticized, which is mimicking their childhood experience with a caregiver. Through exploration, partner two uncovers a childhood wound around being left out and feeling uninvolved and unimportant. It turns out that partner two is through observance and suggestions  trying to be involved more in family life with partner one. In turn, partner one was parentified as a child and has learned to be hyperindependent and do things on their own. Imagine how this level of understanding would affect how the pair view these interactions, and with their couples therapist they can work towards new, healthier patterns of behaviors.

We don’t heal in a vacuum; we heal together. 

We often have an image of deep healing as a solo journey: a long road trip, an isolated sabbatical, a hike through the pacific northwest. While those journeys are valuable ways to get to know ourselves and to grow, our greatest healing is done through our relationships with others. You may even have done therapy on your own and seen improvements, but find that your relationships now create the most distress. Healing alongside your partner can create strong emotional bonds that better prepare you for the challenges that lie ahead. If you’re interested in couples therapy with a trauma therapist, please reach out.