Why Does it Hurt So Much When I Suddenly Remember?

How did I forget they were gone?

You may have noticed it first thing in the morning, when you come home, or even when something good happens to you: a sudden, painful realization that your loved one is gone. Through my work supporting clients after a loss, I’ve taken to calling it “grief drop.” It can feel like a punch to the stomach or a mood that crashes and inspires feelings of great sadness, anger, and shock. You miss them terribly, and of course you want to tell them your news, greet them, see them and touch them. We forget briefly when we sleep, become distracted, or if our brain feels like it needs a break- the brain is highly capable at protecting us at times.

When will it get better?

At first, grief lives with us every minute of the day, and it’s difficult to think about anything else. As painful as grief drops are, it means we are not spending every second focusing on our loss, and we are able to take breaks from our grief. We want to be able to find a balance over time in which we are able to lean into our grief to process and lean out of our grief to rest and recover. One way to think about “grief drop” is that your brain has not fully learned yet that something has changed. The more time you spend coming in and out of your grief the stronger that neural pathway will become and the sooner you will experience less drops.

You can reduce grief drop.

Forgetting is what grief fears the most. Our minds try desperately to ensure we remember who or what we have lost. Most grief symptoms, including grief drops, are alleviated by consciously creating time to process our grief. Grief therapy, individual and group, can give us the tools and community to move through grief. These can be supplemented by picking up a grief journal to spend time on each day or creating another ritual for your grief like playing music that reminds you of your loved one or eating their favorite foods. When grief drops happen, try to breath through it, try speaking to your loved one if you are comfortable with it, or sit with the discomfort until it passes. Reach out if you’re interested in grief therapy and help building your toolkit.