Couples with Trauma

Couples that have experienced significant trauma may struggle with heightened feelings of distress, intense conflicts, and differing needs in difficult moments. Experiencing trauma means developing triggers, and many common ones can be activated during disagreements or moments of hurt and disappointment. It’s easy to see how triggers like not being heard or believed, a history of being gaslit, or a sensitivity to angry tones could lead to difficult moments in any couple. Couples dealing with these effects of trauma tend to get derailed much easier during conflict and generally struggle with emotional dysregulation, or a difficulty with staying calm and present in stressful times. Numerous studies have shown that couples with high ACE scores, demonstrating a history of traumatic events in childhood, have shorter and less satisfying partnerships and higher divorce rates. 

When we experience significant trauma, especially growing up, we learn to cope the best we are able to at the time. Some common coping mechanisms are turning off feelings, learning not to trust others, and learning not to be vulnerable with others. Since trust, commitment and vulnerability are the pillars of a healthy partnership, some coping mechanisms may need to be unlearned and replaced with newer, healthier ones. Harsh childhood punishments, for example, may lead us to be deeply fearful of making mistakes, which can lead to defensiveness when our partner has hurt feelings or anger related to our actions. That defensiveness, however, is received by our partners as invalidating, overriding, and like the responsibility is being placed back on them. Addressing the trauma that makes us fearful of making any missteps can allow us to take responsibility and validate our partner’s feelings. 

Many common components of couples therapy may not be tailored to couples dealing with trauma histories if your counselor is not trained in trauma. It is common for one member of a couple to have anxious and needy feelings about the relationship in times of struggle while their partner tends to avoid conflict, but with couples with significant trauma history this pattern can be extreme and more difficult to improve. Another component of couples therapy that may need extra attention are techniques designed to elicit empathy for our partners. If we have slipped into survival mode, or are experiencing pain stemming from our trauma, this can be a difficult proposition. A trauma therapist can help each partner become present again and move past their own pain in order to tap into their partner’s world. While couples with trauma may need special considerations, a couples therapist trained in trauma can help you find your way back to each other. If you recognize yourself and your partner in this article, reach out today to schedule a free consultation.