Mixed Neurotype Couples

Many couples find themselves facing unique challenges that come from having a partner whose brain works in a significantly different manner than their own. Couples with different neurotypes may look like one person with ADHD married to someone neurotypical, one partner living with autism and another with ADHD OR AuDHD, or even two autistic people in a partnership- despite having the same or similar diagnoses, no two neuro-spicy people are the same. Instead of picturing a spectrum of characteristics, consider a 4-d, multidimensional field that includes your unique brain and how your lived experiences have shaped you.

While every partner might struggle to understand their partner at times or feel like we come from different planets, differing neurotypes add another dimension and can heighten conflicts or lead to feeling more misunderstood by our partners. People with neurodivergence also suffer from higher rates of overwhelm, burnout, and sensory issues, which may shut down conversations and delay important relationship repairs at times. Executive functioning is another consideration for neurodivergent couples, where one or more members may struggle to execute important tasks at home or assist with the mental load, to the frustration of their partner. Some symptoms in neurodivergent partners can even directly clash, such as when a person with ADHD desires novelty and tends to feel impulsive, but their partner living with autism relies on routine and regularity.

A couples therapist with the training for and lived experience with neurodivergence can help you navigate conflict and assist you in learning how to get both of your needs met. I can help ADHD partners stay focused on the topic at hand and assist partners living with autism tap into deep wells of empathy for their partner. The right couples therapist will also be aware of what traditional couples therapy techniques may not work with neurodivergent couples, such as forcing eye contact or physical touch, or not allowing for appropriate breaks or providing calming tools. If you’re looking for a therapist that understands your unique needs as a couple, reach out for a consultation.

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What is a Mixed Neurotype Couple?
What is a Mixed Neurotype Couple?

Partnerships with mixed neurotypes (ADHD, Autism, OCD, Giftedness, etc.) can be a frustrating tangle of differing needs greatly benefitted by an outside party. Our partners are often dealing with far more than we see on the surface, and therapy can help reduce the shame and stigma that stops us from discussing neurodiversity.

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Our past traumas can leave us with wounds that frequently show up during times of conflict in our romantic partnerships. What happens when you share the same trigger or your triggers clash? Disagreements can quickly become major fights, but therapy can help you break through those patterns.

There’s no map for neurodivergent marriage; our love is its own landscape. We’re filling it in as we go. But it’s been much easier since we’ve known how to traverse that together. We are exceptional, because we’ve figured out our own ways to care for each other.

-W.E. Cuthbert (they/he)