What is a Mixed Neurotype Couple?

What is a Neurotype? How do we know if we are different?

Neurotype is a word coined to address a particular spot on the spectrum of neurodiversity that we now understand affects our experience of the world. This includes most commonly ADHD, Autism, and AuDHD but can also include developmental differences and diagnosis like OCD or bipolar disorder. No two people living with Autism are the same, for example, but along the spectrum there are common patterns of differences in processing, abilities, and social experiences that make some labels useful and oftentimes affirming or validating. You or your partner may already have an official diagnosis or self-diagnosis and are aware of these differences. If not, a trained clinician will be able to see these patterns and help you both understand your neurotype. 

Couples living with different neurotypes may be best served by a couples therapist that specializes in this area. 

Mixed neurotype couples face unique challenges that can frequently create conflict. A common pairing may be one partner with undiagnosed ADHD and one partner that is more neurotypical. The ADHD partner might struggle with follow through or completing tasks, despite their strong desire to do so, which can be perceived as laziness or even disrespect. Another common pairing is one person with ADHD and one person with Autism. While the two have many commonalities, an ADHD person's impulsiveness might be difficult for someone living with Autism that needs routine and prefers to plan ahead. Even the most similar neurotypes may still have differing social battery capacities or differing sensory issues. 

Mindfulness and awareness of our partner's neurotype can help us resolve conflicts faster and compromise more fairly.

Once we better understand our neurotype and our partners, and how those both fit and clash, we often feel more empathy and have a more objective perspective on the relationship. We may feel less that our partner is being stubborn or difficult and better understand why they struggle or the shame and frustration they experience. A therapist trained in neurodiversity will be able to assist the pair in accessing more vulnerability and empathy, leading to stronger bonds.