Why the Same Diagnosis Doesn’t Always Make it Easier.

If our brains work the same way, why are we struggling?

Your perception isn’t wrong- having a partner with the same type of neurodivergence (two partners with ADHD, ASD, etc.) doesn’t necessarily make a long-term relationship easier. We all want to feel fully understood, especially after a lifetime of not being understood by the neurotypical community. You probably bonded with your partner early on because of this similarity. You thought you found someone that finally, finally, truly gets you and makes you feel seen and heard. As the relationship progresses, it can be dismaying to realize you are still finding patterns of conflicts and ways that you and your partner are on very different pages. You may have thought things would be different this time, and now you’re worried you might not be the perfect fit that you thought. 

We are extremely vibrant and complex creatures. 

While you and your partner do have something in common, you are also multifaceted and complicated. Many of us have had our neurodiversity oversimplified so many times, (“You can’t have ADHD, your grades are too good” or “You make lots of eye contact, you can’t be Autistic”), we may begin to internalize this idea. Neurodivergence is now looked at as less of a spectrum and more of a four-dimensional, intricate, model that takes into account much more individual experiences. Every neurodivergent person is shaped by factors like their lived experiences, trauma, gender, and their relationships. It’s also typical for a neurodivergent person to have experienced trauma, even if it’s just the trauma of growing up in a world that is not built for you, which also shapes us. We also might have radically different coping mechanisms than our partner from how we deal with conflict, how we get things done, and how much time we spend masking. A more complicated view of what you and your partner live with helps us to understand where you differ. 

Learn how to develop the tools to fully hear and understand your partner. 

While fully knowing your partner is a privilege that might take a lifetime, expanding your knowledge of your partner and more fully understanding their world can help you to better slow down, empathize, tolerate, and accept. A therapist that specializes in neurodivergent couples can help you appreciate similarities you might be taking for granted or the benefits of having different strengths. The neurodiversity in your relationship might also add a layer of difficulty to repairing conflicts if either of you tends to have a brain that works very fast or tends to think in black and white, for example, and a third party can help you increase awareness and mindfulness. If you think you could benefit from a couples therapist that specializes in neurodivergence, please reach out.