The Shame Surrounding “Non-Traditional” Grief

It can be hard to find your place. 

Those suffering from what we might call “non-traditional” grief, or suffering a loss that does not involve the physical passing of a human loved one, sometimes have trouble finding support. This includes those mourning the loss of a pet, a friendship, a romantic relationship, a dream job, a home, or any other number of significant parts of a person's life. Grief also tends to stack and a new grief can bring up an old, unprocessed grief, so those suffering from non-traditional losses may be dealing with more than others may see on the surface. Our social circles often shy away from our grief because of what it brings up for them, and many loved ones may not have a good understanding of how devastating other types of losses can be. Grief groups are a vital part of healing, and those dealing with non-traditional grief can struggle to find a group that allows them to participate. Even if we do find an accepting group, we tend to compare our losses to those of others and shame can keep us from sharing. Grief is already an under-discussed issue, and non-traditional grief carries even more stigma in our society. 

Comparisons are natural.  

While comparisons often can cause suffering, it is also an instinctive reaction as a social creature. We might tell ourselves that others can’t support us because their loss is “greater,” but if the love is real, the loss is real. While some types of grief often do generally cause greater suffering, like the loss of a child, the feelings and symptoms are generally the same across the board. For some, the loss of a childhood pet might even cause greater pain for one person than the loss of a parent for another person: grief is highly personal and individual. If you have noticed yourself feeling competitive with others, and like their loss doesn’t compare to the pain of yours, it is simply a sign that your grief needs to feel more seen and more heard in order for you to heal. A grief group and a grief therapist can help to hold that space for you. 

You can find the support you deserve. 

A trained grief therapist can assist you with both individual therapy and by facilitating group therapy in order to support you, no matter that type of loss. Support and empathy from others can help reduce stigma and shame, and your story and your pain wants to be heard and held. A grief therapist can help you develop a toolkit for symptoms, reprocess traumatic memories, help you keep track of self-care and other essentials lost to grief fog, and give you targeted exercises to help you process your pain. The pain of a meaningful loss doesn’t fully leave us, since pain and love are two parts of a whole, but we don’t necessarily have to suffer. Reach out if you need support in your grief, no matter what you have lost.