What to Do When a Narcissistic Abuser Reaches Back Out?
You’ve cut ties with a difficult person in your life: a heavily narcissistic person. It could be a friend, an ex-partner, a mentor, or a parent. Things have been quiet for a while and you’ve had a chance to relax, when you get a sudden email, letter, or call from them. You go on high alert and feel the anxiety return- What do you do now?
Take the Time to Breathe
You may be experiencing emotional dysregulation, in which heavy emotions make it difficult to think clearly. You might be either distressed and hypervigilant or shut down and numb. You can use the tools you’ve developed already or you can try some simple techniques like counting down from twenty or drinking a glass of cold water and focusing on the temperature. When you feel more calm, take a moment to look around.
Remember What is Different Now
Take time to consider what has changed now that you have distance from this person. Your life is different, and you yourself are different. If receiving communication from the narcissist makes you feel like you’re back in the same place, take a look at yourself or your space and look for signs that this is not the case- clothes for a new job, things you use for self-care, or signs of a new favorite hobby. You are in control now, and you decide what happens next.
Take a Look at the Facts
While narcissism tends to ease over the course of a person’s lifetime, fundamental change is unlikely. Narcissism is considered a personality trait, and highly narcissistic people or those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are likely to be the same person you remember. While there might be an appearance of change, or you might wish that this person might finally show up for you, you are right to be highly skeptical.
Recognize their Tactics
If you choose to engage with the narcissist, remember the ways in which they manipulate and control. They might make a grand apology or claim that everything has changed, but that could be very much like the love-bombing they used to employ when you first met them. They might try to gaslight you, and insist that you must see by now the ways in which they were right and good. They might try asking you for small favors or interactions over time, but they may be using a method called “hoovering” in which they try to subtly suck people back into their lives.
If You Need it, Ask for Help
Narcissists thrive on their targets being isolated, scared, and unable to trust their own thoughts. You can break the cycle by speaking out, reaching out to others, and telling your story. If you could use the help of an expert, reach out.
